Letter to Todd Oldham

Dear Todd Oldham,

You probably don’t remember me.

Last week, you came into the Apple Store and bought some software from me. I was staring at you, so I didn’t catch what it was, but in my peripheral vision I noticed the box was red and white. There are no returns on open software, by the way; I think I forgot to tell you the return policy. In any case, I wanted to apologize for a few things:

First, I’m sorry I thought you were David Sedaris. I know you aren’t David Sedaris. Luckily though, when you pulled “Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules” from your backpack to compare the photo on the back to yourself, we had something to talk about.

I’m sorry it looked like I wasn’t listening. I promise I took your book recommendation and I plan to purchase it soon with my next Borders Rewards coupon. I just finished “When You Are Engulfed in Flames.” Have you read that one?

I’m sorry I cited “Top Design” on Bravo as your major work. I know you have a very extensive resume, and you were only on “Top Design,” because you were already famous. But I’ll tell you what I remember about that show: You are so nice. Even if the contestants had bad designs, or were jerks, you were always genuinely kind and encouraging. If I were you I would have told them what was what.

Finally, I’m sorry I asked you to sign my business card. Apparently this is against Apple policy. And I’m sure it is also annoying for you. For what it’s worth, though, I do keep it behind my name tag while I am at work.

I hope you forgot about me.

Sincerely,
Caryn

The Top Five Olympic Fashion Faux Pas

There was a time in my life when I was a gymnast. After several falls on the head, however, my height, bony arms, and general lack of power got the best of me, and I've hated watching and playing sports ever since. But I do love me some Olympics. Of course, when my general distaste for sports (and love for clothes) gets the best of me, I evaluate the outfits. So, here we are: The Top Five Olympic Fashion Faux Pas:

1. Kerri Walsh's Braid
Menacing and rope-like, Kerri Walsh's braid looks more like a weapon than a hairstyle. It also appears to periodically smack her in the face, making the look as impractical as it is ugly. I can only assume that she's been wearing her hair like that her entire volleyball career, and in all of her success, doesn't want to change it. However, she's obviously proven herself as a talented and attractive person, and it's time to move on and lose the braid. I think she could cut it for a cuter ponytail like Misty's, or she could certainly keep the length and do some sort of tight bun.

2. Serena Williams' White Outfit and White Bra
White bras do not go under white tops. You have to wear one that is the color of your skin tone. While all of these athletes have great bodies, the girls should stay under wraps, and Serena was unnecessarily exposed.

3. Venezuelan Indoor Womens' Volleyball Uniforms
These women wore loose, full-coverage tank tops and bikini-cut bottoms. At first, they looked alarmingly uncovered, but--when you think about it--compared to the beach volleyball uniforms, they're pretty conservative. The problem with Venezuela is that their uniforms are unbalanced. If the team felt as though they had more movement in small bottoms--I hate to say it--but they should have worn tighter, shorter tops! The sleeveless t-shirt balances out with shorts...so as a result the Venezuelan women looked as though they forgot their shorts. You just have to go big or go home; there is no half-way in the Olympics.

4. Scrunchies in Women's Gymnastics
Why why why are scrunchies OK in gymnastics? They are not ever acceptable anywhere else, and haven't been since 1993 (?). I know they're not for some reason required, because there were a few girls with regular hair bands. (Shawn Johnson had a ribbon or something, which is probably equally as dumb, but whatever.) Also, as a sidenote, scrunchies are just generally reminiscent of the third grade, and did not help the Chinese girls' cause of trying to look 16. (Neither did the body glitter and star hairclips, but again, not my point right now.)

5. ....And the Gymnastics Uniforms in General
I don't really get the shiny, hologram-inspired fabric they use on these uniforms. Obviously it's flexible, since they wear them, but it just looks platicky and stiff to me. And cheap. I feel like that crap is for 9-year-olds' jazz costumes, hookers, or Halloween. The long sleeves look restricting to me too. I feel like they should do either a sleeveless or at least a 3/4 length sleeve. Not for their comfort, obviously, but just so they look comfortable to me at home on my couch.